Luxury on the Cheap
This is the true tale of a stink for the ages.  A reek so evil, it should be listed as a weapon of mass insanity.  An assault on innoncent nostils so unexpected, so uncalled for, so rancid and acrid and horrible as to make birds fly backwards and disrupt the phases of the moon.  This is the stink of Armageddon.  Reader discretion is advised.
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Monday mornings always suck a little.  I find that the Monday morning suck factor is directly proportionate to how kick-ass the weekend was... and this weekend was world-class.  Between working long hours and attending an epic concert, 6:00 AM Monday came hard and early.  Not policing the kids' chores meant dirty dishes in the sink and spilled tea on the stove.  No worries -  I could get to it later.  I was still feeling groovy from the concert.

Meantime, after putting the teapot on to boil, I snuck downstairs to steal a few more delicious moments of snuggle-time with the World's Sexiest Man.

Little did I know, when I came upstairs again, my delicate olfactories would be so violently violated.  The stench of burned hair and ammonia and the devil's halitosis made me gag. 

Finding the source of the smell would bring me to the brink of murder.

Remember the spilled tea on the stove?  It was cat pee.



CAT PEE that had run over onto the hot burner and was being cooked.

Yes, cat pee.  This was a stink that would make even Jesus cuss.

What to do?  Crying was an attractive option.  So was drinking.  Hell, so was murder for that matter  - but the stink would still be there whether I was crying, drunk, or killed the cat.  

First, I dumped a ton of baking soda on the stove to soak up the pee.  This not only started to neutralize the odor, it made it easier to clean.  All I had to do was sweep it up and then wash it down the drain with lots of cold water.   (By the way, this works with most oven spills - and definitely makes clean-up faster.)

Even after sterilizing the stove, the smell was still in the house.  My house is supposed to smell like cinnamon, and vanilla, and cookies and love, dammit.

To get any evil odor out of the house, it's important to get it out of the carpet.  Otherwise, the ghost of that smell will linger.  Don't be tempted to use Carpet Fresh or any of that other crap.  It's filled with carcinogenic ingredients, articifial scents, and chemicals that were never meant to interact with your lovely endocrine system...including ingredients that act as estrogen disruptors.  If you want to have early menopause and watch your husband grow man-boobs, go right on ahead.  But seriously, why pay 7 dollars for cancer in a can when you can clean stuff for pennies in a way that's kind to the environment AND your health?

Massive handfulls of baking soda across the carpeted areas are easy and mandatory.  I love flinging it out while yelling "POOF!" or "POW!" or "SHAZAM, BITCHES!"  The way it spreads out like quickly fading smoke will totally make you feel like a wizard, and lightly coat a large area.  Try it!  Cats hate this.  I mean, cats love this!  Let it sit for at least 30 minutes, and then vacuum. 

Next, use a home made air freshener.  This couldn't be any easier, and doesn't contain any suspect chemicals or cloying artificial scents.

You will need
a squirt bottle...
clean water....
and your favorite essential oil. 

I never measure this -- so if your squirt bottle holds a couple of cups of water, use a teaspoon or so of oil.  Do you think Nacho Mama has time to measure every damn thing?  Hell no.  If it's one of those travel-sized bottles, 5 to 10 drops will do.  Shake it up, and spray liberally into the air.  Resist the temptation to spray directly onto the cat.  (Or don't.)

If theses methods can defeat the reek of cooking cat pee, I'm pretty sure they can handle whatever life throws at you.  And don't worry, no cats were harmed in this episode...although my sanity might have been.

In our next turgid episode, I'll let you in on a few up close and personal secrets to smelling good... you know, up close.  And personal!

Nacho Mama

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